June 15, 2012 Twitty · Storify [<a href="http://storify.com/terrybain/twitty-1" target="_blank">View the story "Twitty" on Storify</a>]<br /> <h1>Twitty</h1> <h2>Don’t you usually do this on Wednesday?</h2> <p>Storified by Terry Bain · Thu, Jun 14 2012 19:32:10</p> <div>The best time to propose at a restaurant is right after you order but before you pull up to the window.matt</div> <div>Then Max got a great idea!idea!idea!idea! He rubbed dog foodHorse ebooks</div> <div>I know time travel exists because when I was 20 Lindsay Lohan was 16, but now that I’m 28 she’s 45.Bez</div> <div>I think we all know what a two hour layover in Atlanta with a cranky toddler means.mindbling</div> <div>Custer was such a popular character in the Civil War that he got his own spin-off war, which was quickly canceled.Fake Civil War</div> <div>Glenn Beck’s new 5-year $100 million contract is on top of his existing deal with Satan.Andy Borowitz</div> <div>Watching "Return of the Jedi" with my son. His opinion on Ewoks will have a major impact on the future of our relationship.Rex Huppke</div> <div>Just saw a Prius WITHOUT a Coexist bumper sticker. Calling 911.matt</div> <div>I will outright marry the first plumber or used car salesman who hands me a business card reading, "Ray: a drop of golden sun."Liana Maeby</div> <div>I hate everyone today but I still hate John Mayer more than most.Michele Catalano</div> <div>We’ll always have Paris. Hilton, that is. My wife and I won her in a bet.David Leibowitz</div> <div>I got a barcode tattoo on my forehead in anticipation of a future evil global dictatorship, but the supermarket scanner reads it as ‘Beans’.Gordon Currie</div> <div>Realization: The surgery won’t kill me, but the lite jazz piped throughout the hospital will.Susan Orlean</div> <div>Don’t get all weird and jealous just cause I’M at the doctor and you’re not!Neko Case</div> <div>I sometimes pretend to hate Nickelback more than I do so you will like me.Danny Zuker</div> <div>And I reply:</div> <div>I do the same with broadcast TV. RT @DannyZuker I sometimes pretend to hate Nickelback more than I do so you will like me.Terry Bain</div> <div>See you next week. I think. If the Internet is still a thing.</div> Share: Pin ItEmailMorePrintShare on TumblrDigg
[<a href="http://storify.com/terrybain/twitty-1" target="_blank">View the story "Twitty" on Storify</a>]<br /> <h1>Twitty</h1> <h2>Don’t you usually do this on Wednesday?</h2> <p>Storified by Terry Bain · Thu, Jun 14 2012 19:32:10</p> <div>The best time to propose at a restaurant is right after you order but before you pull up to the window.matt</div> <div>Then Max got a great idea!idea!idea!idea! He rubbed dog foodHorse ebooks</div> <div>I know time travel exists because when I was 20 Lindsay Lohan was 16, but now that I’m 28 she’s 45.Bez</div> <div>I think we all know what a two hour layover in Atlanta with a cranky toddler means.mindbling</div> <div>Custer was such a popular character in the Civil War that he got his own spin-off war, which was quickly canceled.Fake Civil War</div> <div>Glenn Beck’s new 5-year $100 million contract is on top of his existing deal with Satan.Andy Borowitz</div> <div>Watching "Return of the Jedi" with my son. His opinion on Ewoks will have a major impact on the future of our relationship.Rex Huppke</div> <div>Just saw a Prius WITHOUT a Coexist bumper sticker. Calling 911.matt</div> <div>I will outright marry the first plumber or used car salesman who hands me a business card reading, "Ray: a drop of golden sun."Liana Maeby</div> <div>I hate everyone today but I still hate John Mayer more than most.Michele Catalano</div> <div>We’ll always have Paris. Hilton, that is. My wife and I won her in a bet.David Leibowitz</div> <div>I got a barcode tattoo on my forehead in anticipation of a future evil global dictatorship, but the supermarket scanner reads it as ‘Beans’.Gordon Currie</div> <div>Realization: The surgery won’t kill me, but the lite jazz piped throughout the hospital will.Susan Orlean</div> <div>Don’t get all weird and jealous just cause I’M at the doctor and you’re not!Neko Case</div> <div>I sometimes pretend to hate Nickelback more than I do so you will like me.Danny Zuker</div> <div>And I reply:</div> <div>I do the same with broadcast TV. RT @DannyZuker I sometimes pretend to hate Nickelback more than I do so you will like me.Terry Bain</div> <div>See you next week. I think. If the Internet is still a thing.</div>